Phil's Blog - Day 1,596

It's been a ludicrous fortnight.

For some reason, Bosch and Smeg kept ringing my agent asking for some form representation on the Campaign. Not sure why in the slightest.

I've been busy auditioning the supporters who will be taking part in Phil's Kitchen. It was nice to see all the old regulars and extended family again. Of course there's going to be some delay before they get to go on air - we've been having to screen all potential contestants with psychometric testing, extended interviews, lie detectors and CRB checks to make sure none of that lot on the Mirror Forum get through. In fact I might take a leaf out of the Portuguese police's book and get Eddie and Keela to selectively sniff out those brown nosers for the show.

Anyway, I've come up with some great dishes I'd like to try, and I hope Kate and Gerry's supporters will be able to get their minds around to some baking rather than simply steaming all the time. I'm looking forward to such delights as poulet entier au brioche, bol massif de gruau and my current favourite bifteck de chien de renifleur en sauce à piments.

Now, in response to viewers comments about the absence of any mention of jogging activities on my blog, I can assure you all that this shortcoming will be corrected in the near future - I'm still waiting for Adidas to get enough breathable fabric together for my exclusive outfit. It will have the Fund McCann logo on the back in order to raise awareness of the Campaign here in the UK. Once my sweatsuit is riveted together you can be absolutely certain I will be blogging about my latest 200 yard dash.

Another reason I've not been able to blog as often as I'd like is because I've been ludicrously busy behind the scenes working with Kate and Gerry and the Tapas User & Restaurant Diners Official Promotion Centre to develop a major European wide alert system. This important initiative, based in Praia de Luz, will use all existing communication channels to send a multilingual announcement in order to notify parents when Happy Hour is available at their local eatery.

By providing a form of alcoholic respite for busy and stressed hard-working middle class parents, from some of the difficult and thankless tasks that life involves, such as looking after one's own children, or perhaps keeping them entertained on a family holiday, these pressured professionals should be able to cope a whole lot better. In this way, the alert system provided by the Tapas User & Restaurant Diners Official Promotion Centre should improve the welfare of all children throughout Europe and the UK. I'm so glad that Kate and Gerry continue to lead the world as first class parents in the important issue of child welfare.

And now a disappointing bit of news. Unfortunately the entire McCann family did not pick up a single award at the Pride of Britain ceremony last week. Instead the awards went to a series of unknowns famous for merely saving a few lives here and there. Their acts of bravery, well, acts is the right word to use here, are no match for the thousands of children's lives that will be saved by Fund McCann's extensive range of international child welfare campaigns.

Never mind, hopefully our Campaign Manager should be able to get our deposits back. No, I shouldn't say should. I should say will. Having said that, if she can't get the money back, we'll have to send in the McCann Mercenaries™ to collect. With the fund dropping down to eight figures again, it's important I can tell you.

Finally a comment about the case - it's a real shame that this naughty crime is still not solved. Madeleine must be really missing us by now. Kate says she's probably giving her abductor a real ear bashing right now. She's a true McCann that girl.

Phil's Blog - Day 1,593

Another busy week. Once again, I'm sorry for not keeping you all up to date with the Campaign, but I have been very busy behind the scenes with Angus and some celebrity chefs.

I've just had a hellish week trying to persuade Kate she could run the Red Team and Gerry could run the Blue Team. Kate kept going on about wanting to run the Green Team and Gerry could have a Yellow Team. I said, look don't be ridiculous, Phil's Kitchen has standards to uphold here. We've got to give the viewers what they've come to expect. And anyway, I said, this green and yellow carry-on is getting a bit tired now.

Anyway, we're now auditioning for supporters who'll be willing to work under Kate and Gerry's expert and world renowned supervision and care to produce a range of delectable dishes for our regular celebrities. The winning contestant will be able to accept the fantastic top prize of Maître d' at Kate and Gerry's new Tapas Restaurant New Horizons in Praia da Luz. This is another exciting venture that Fund McCann is counting on to keep the Campaign in everyone's minds. Hopefully, a global restaurant chain is in the offing. We may even make the restaurants child-friendly, but the directors are still arguing over that minor point.

Anyway, after a bit of a spat with Oliveira da Serra in Portugal over media rights, we've had to try and get a deal with Filippo Berio for sponsorship of Phil's Kitchen. Never mind, I like old Filippo's catchy theme tune better anyway. In any case, if the worse comes to worst, we can always stick to one of my favourites, good old goose fat.

I'm now working with some telecommunications companies to sort out the phone lines for taking the potentially hundreds of millions of votes for Kate and Gerry's contestants. I'm concerned that it should all be above board and kosher, but then again, Fund McCann's financial backers should be able to cope with any record breaking fine that Ofcom could land us with. Of course, I forgot to say, all proceeds from the votes will go to Fund McCann to promote the Campaign.

I'm really looking forward to becoming a regular in Phil's Kitchen - I mean, someone's got to keep the gastronomic standards up to a high level, and those experimental undercooked dishes shouldn't go to waste. In fact, my table and three chairs are already booked for the rest of the month.

I am also pleased to report that the whole McCann family and entourage has been nominated for the Pride of Britain Awards for the entire award category. There's Kate up for the Outstanding Bravery award after facing terrible ordeals at the hands of the Portuguese police; then there's Sean and Amelie for being Children of Courage for enduring the Kids Club on a daily basis for, what is it, now four years running; there's brother John nominated for the Beyond the Call of Duty award for giving up his day job to direct the Fund.

Then, of course, there's me a clear favourite for the Teacher award; Gerry has been nominated several times for the Fundraiser award; our good friend Mark Williams-Thomas is up for the Carer and Neighbour award and finally, but by no means least, Kate and Gerry's holiday friends have all been put forward for the Lifetime Achievement Award for the selfless act of maintaining confidentiality for so long in the face of such extreme provocation.

Please continue to submit your nominations as detailed in the email you should all have received as part of my latest spam campaign.

Finally, a word about the case. Ludicrous.

Phil's Blog - Day 1,586

Right, it's now getting a bit serious. Madeleine's been missing for some time now. It's time for the person who knows what happened to my niece to come clean and tell us what happened to Madeleine. Look, it's still not too late to drop her off at the nearest restaurant and we'll forget everything.

I've been so upset, I've not eaten anything for at least three hours today. And you know that's unusual for me because I've been working as hard as the Portuguese police with my two hour lunches.

And talking about the Portuguese police - Gerry is his usual jolly self again - he's telling me the police have nothing concrete on him. Our Susan, Kate's mum, said that was such a shame because concrete would so suit Gerry.

You will have seen in the news all this talk about Kate and her student days. To be honest, I've been very disappointed that the irresponsible press have been digging about again - I mean we all drank too much and got overdrawn when we were younger didn't we? At least nowadays for Kate and Gerry, there's no chance of being in the red again, rather, there's now an excellent choice between red or white.

Back to the Campaign now. Just thinking back to my schedule of busy meetings last week, and how the Campaign would be able to benefit hugely from the help of that great philanthropist, Sir Richard, has just reminded me - I forgot to tell you about my new bottom wipes promotion.

There'll be special packs available in the shops soon, offering a free Madeleine T-shirt upon the collection of only 75 tokens (1 token available per pack). And I'm especially pleased to report that Pampers have even agreed to change the name of their product temporarily to McCanndoo. Such a promotion will be ideal in helping people to remember, on a daily basis, about the terrible situation that Kate and Gerry find themselves in with the Portuguese police.

And finally, some of you will remember the enormous 10 metre wide inflatable billboard made for us by News of the World. It was extremely useful for us to be able to raise awareness of Madeleine in Portugal as not many people would have known about the abduction. I mean, the number of people on the beach who just stared at the billboard was just, well, just phenomenal. That must say something about the strength of the Campaign.

Well, after talking to The Sun, I think I've come up with one better with a great idea for two huge airships with Madeleine's photo displayed prominently on one side and the website address for donations on the other.

I am going to be hosting an open party in Glasgow, attended by the international media, where my twin zeppelins will be unveiled to the world. And The Sun has even suggested that they promote the special event on their hallowed third page. I hope you can come.

Phil's Blog - Day 1,579

I'm sorry it's been some time since my last blog entry, but it's been such a tumultuous week. Rather hectic too.

It was great to hear from the Home Secretary today.

I had a long chat with her and I was glad to hear strong words of support from the government for our Campaign. We also arranged for the newly appointed Minister for Child Protection to meet with me in the near future to discuss my ideas for improving the dreadful state of child welfare in this country and abroad. It will be so nice to see brother John again soon.

It's absolutely ridiculous that children can't look after themselves nowadays - I blame the playgroups and schools for this problem. There should be compulsory fire training and cardio-pulmonary resuscitation taught to our youngsters from the age of 18 months. It might also be helpful to teach them to recognise harmful medications and drugs - I'm thinking here of the educational benefits of learning different colours, letters of the alphabet and shapes and sizes of course.

My radical and thought provoking ideas on education clearly influenced the Minister, and the meeting concluded with a promise from the Home Secretary that the Prime Minister would consider me for the post of Minister for Education when this case is finally over. I look forward to making these meetings a regular monthly affair.

I had a surprise later that afternoon when Sir Richard popped over for tea. I had a lovely chat about the Campaign and his continuing contribution to the Fighting Fund. And I'm so pleased that the direct debit setup was such a success. It's nice to have the support of yet another self-made billionaire to add to our panel of mostly anonymous financiers, backers and opinion shapers.

I offered to meet him in London for further talks, perhaps with a free all expenses paid and free meals journey on one of his fantastic Virgin Pendolino trains, but rather disappointingly he said that the extra tilt caused by my presence might take the train off the tracks at high speeds. I guess it will have to be mince and tatties at my place every time then.

My agent received some more calls that evening, and I am pleased to say that I am now also involved with Listerine Industrial Flavour Mouthwash, Sure Extra Strong for Groin & Under Arm and Boots Authentic Activated Charcoal Tablets for the Seriously Afflicted. Expect to see me in some great TV spots in the next few months promoting the Campaign with these important partners.

And now finally another word about the case - there's been a lot of talk about the entire McCann family having their phones tapped and emails and computers looked at - well I can tell you, there's no bugs in my house - where I'm sat, I can't see that there would be anything left other than a squashed mosquito or two.

Phil's Blog - Day 1,572

Spent a busy day today on a photoshoot for Hello Magazine.

I think it's ideal that I can promote the Campaign in this way, and raise awareness of the plight of the whole McCann family. Of course, all the proceeds of this triple page Hello spread will go to the Fighting Fund.

And spread was the operative word here, I daresay I may have inadvertently exposed a little bit more midriff than I would have normally been happy with on the photoshoot, but the dishy photographer was just going on and praising us McCanns for doing such a lovely job at keeping the Campaign in everyone's minds. I guess I got a little carried away. It's so good to get some positive feedback at least once or twice a week in a difficult situation like this.

Well, I got a call later that afternoon from the Hello print production company saying that the edition might be delayed for a few weeks whilst they order in some more supplies of pink coloured ink. Anyway, I'm sure it will be well worth the wait.

Our McCann Media Monitoring Unit (MMMU) has again been hard at work in the background, and initiated some great online petitions in recent days, and I hope that the caring, kind, considerate and above all, compassionate folk out there will take the time to sign these important statements.

I'd like to firstly draw your attention to the most important petition of all - the Ginsters All I Can Eat Petition, aimed at keeping me well supplied with some real honest food from Cornwall. Believe me, I keep telling my family, there's a desperate shortage of real honesty this day and age.

Then there's the PJ are Imbeciles Petition; if enough people sign this petition, it will be used to convince our government that we believe the Portuguese police are nothing but a bunch of French Clouseaus and to sway our government to use EU legislation to disband the Portuguese police completely.

Finally, we have the No More Photos Petition, a petition to stop the unscrupulous international media from taking intrusive and disturbing pictures of those two fragile young beings in the prime of their lives, thrust awkwardly into the limelight through absolutely no fault of their own. And please, no more photographs of Sean and Amelie either. Of course, the British media can take as many pictures as it wants. Fine by us.

And I finish with another word about the Campaign. There has been much criticism of late about the family not actively searching for Madeleine. Well, I would say to these ill-informed heartless and cruel animals, us McCanns have all been very active in the Campaign, I myself would be out there now, travelling the world, sticking posters everywhere, searching high and low for my beloved niece, if only I could get out of the front door. I'm sure it's shrunk since I moved in.

Phil's Blog - Day 1,568

I'm pleased to report that Fund McCann will be launching two new funds today to help with the Campaign.

Now let me see, firstly there's the Fighting Fund, to help Kate and Gerry pay their mounting costs - there's so many QCs, lawyers, forensic scientists and pathologists now that it's difficult to keep track of them. Also a new sub police force has now been established by Fund McCann. Now all of that is not going to be cheap you know. You will remember that the idea of a band of loyal coppers was first mentioned by Gerry last month at his fourth consecutive attendance of the National Police Federation Annual Bravery awards. They're a good bunch there at the Police Federation. At least these policemen know how to recognise a truly caring parent from some sort of common criminal.

The McCann Mercenaries™ will now be providing round the clock protection for Kate and Gerry. The Portuguese and British police will have to liaise with our personal police force if they want to confiscate anything from now on.

Then there's the Fashion Fund. The proceeds from this fund will help keep Kate and myself supplied with the latest green and yellow outfits from all the major fashion houses - Versace, Armani, Benneton and Primark. Expect Fund McCann to give all you keen eyed viewers a taster of what will be coming off the catwalks this Autumn. On a personal note, my initial foray into the fashion world with Evans has drawn yet more attention. I am very proud to announce that I will soon be the premier model for Army & Navy Surplus Stores (Tents and Tarpaulins Division) and also the new face of Swarfega. Next week I am due to start a major global advertising campaign for Spam Fritters. Obviously the proceeds from such activities will go directly towards the Campaign.

And now a word about the case again - it is both painfully plain and plainly painful to see that the Portuguese police are floundering in their investigation of Kate and Gerry - all this completely wild speculation and vile talk is taking the focus of the Campaign away from the focus of the Campaign. And it doesn't help Madeleine either. The police are clutching at straws, planting evidence, casting aspersions, mud slinging and generally being a thorn in everyone's side - I mean that's clearly our job.

And contrary to what is being posted on many internet forums, I will not be appearing on The X Factor any time soon - the case is far from over. Such comments are unhelpful at this time.

Phil's Blog - Day 1,560

Another busy day today.

Spent a good few hours on TV this morning - GMTV, This Morning, Sky and CBeebies. In fact, I filmed a nice 30 second TV spot for CBeebies - the wee toddlers can never be too young to be warned about being snatched by evil abductors. It went so well that I've been asked back to do an extended Jackanory Junior reading that famous classic 'Not Now, Bernard'; interestingly the story has been specially rewritten to include Mediterranean elements and parents who like fine dining.

Anyway, my extended coverage on TV refuting the absolutely ludicrous speculation about Kate and Gerry actually led to some complaints from viewers. Sky and BBC News 24 had to flash up banners on the screen saying that viewers' television sets weren't developing widescreen faults, it was just me sat a bit too close to the camera. I'm sorry for that.

On that note, it is pleasing to report that I will soon be modelling Evans' new XXXXL collection for their Spring/Summer catalogue. My agent got a call this afternoon with the good news. Kate will be spending some of her not insignificant free time to design some new ranges for the fashion store, featuring the now famous Fund McCann logo. I am so looking forward to promoting the Campaign in this way.

And now a small word about the case - when I heard about Sniffa Dogs and Kate last week I thought what on earth is she doing with some black rap star? I know she likes a bop but this is absolutely ludicrous. When someone from The Sun told me what it meant I was shocked - I mean sniffer dogs! How can you trust such vile animals to smell anything when they need to shove their noses so close to each other's bottoms? Barking.