Phil's Blog - Day 1,593

Another busy week. Once again, I'm sorry for not keeping you all up to date with the Campaign, but I have been very busy behind the scenes with Angus and some celebrity chefs.

I've just had a hellish week trying to persuade Kate she could run the Red Team and Gerry could run the Blue Team. Kate kept going on about wanting to run the Green Team and Gerry could have a Yellow Team. I said, look don't be ridiculous, Phil's Kitchen has standards to uphold here. We've got to give the viewers what they've come to expect. And anyway, I said, this green and yellow carry-on is getting a bit tired now.

Anyway, we're now auditioning for supporters who'll be willing to work under Kate and Gerry's expert and world renowned supervision and care to produce a range of delectable dishes for our regular celebrities. The winning contestant will be able to accept the fantastic top prize of Maître d' at Kate and Gerry's new Tapas Restaurant New Horizons in Praia da Luz. This is another exciting venture that Fund McCann is counting on to keep the Campaign in everyone's minds. Hopefully, a global restaurant chain is in the offing. We may even make the restaurants child-friendly, but the directors are still arguing over that minor point.

Anyway, after a bit of a spat with Oliveira da Serra in Portugal over media rights, we've had to try and get a deal with Filippo Berio for sponsorship of Phil's Kitchen. Never mind, I like old Filippo's catchy theme tune better anyway. In any case, if the worse comes to worst, we can always stick to one of my favourites, good old goose fat.

I'm now working with some telecommunications companies to sort out the phone lines for taking the potentially hundreds of millions of votes for Kate and Gerry's contestants. I'm concerned that it should all be above board and kosher, but then again, Fund McCann's financial backers should be able to cope with any record breaking fine that Ofcom could land us with. Of course, I forgot to say, all proceeds from the votes will go to Fund McCann to promote the Campaign.

I'm really looking forward to becoming a regular in Phil's Kitchen - I mean, someone's got to keep the gastronomic standards up to a high level, and those experimental undercooked dishes shouldn't go to waste. In fact, my table and three chairs are already booked for the rest of the month.

I am also pleased to report that the whole McCann family and entourage has been nominated for the Pride of Britain Awards for the entire award category. There's Kate up for the Outstanding Bravery award after facing terrible ordeals at the hands of the Portuguese police; then there's Sean and Amelie for being Children of Courage for enduring the Kids Club on a daily basis for, what is it, now four years running; there's brother John nominated for the Beyond the Call of Duty award for giving up his day job to direct the Fund.

Then, of course, there's me a clear favourite for the Teacher award; Gerry has been nominated several times for the Fundraiser award; our good friend Mark Williams-Thomas is up for the Carer and Neighbour award and finally, but by no means least, Kate and Gerry's holiday friends have all been put forward for the Lifetime Achievement Award for the selfless act of maintaining confidentiality for so long in the face of such extreme provocation.

Please continue to submit your nominations as detailed in the email you should all have received as part of my latest spam campaign.

Finally, a word about the case. Ludicrous.